A bit of Personal Wisdom on Negotiation and Listening

A bit of Personal Wisdom on Negotiation and Listening 2015.02.28

I used to be an arrogant SOB! Really. I had a real insight into that one day, and it taught me a serious lesson. I’ve put that story at the end of this note – read it if you want. But right now, I want to impart some wisdom about how not to be an arrogant SOB! Not that you are, mind you, but I have discovered that a lot of us have some of that going on.

It’s not that we are arrogant – it’s that we are RIGHT, damn it. And we know it. And the other person knows we think we are, and they think they are right, and they get ticked off that we think that, and it rapidly escalates.

It has taken me years to learn a more mature way to discuss issues and problems with people. This came through 10 years of teaching 7 Habits, and 15 years of teaching a University level course on negotiation. I also picked up a bit of wisdom from a Mayo seminar on stress reduction. So, listen up, this might help you deal with those problem people you keep encountering.

There are three parts to this procedure.

1.      Become someone who is not easily threatened by others. This was my basic problem, and it took me a long time to get around it. It’s called growing up, maturing, self confidence, recognizing that life is not a competition, and that we are all in this together. If you get this part right, the rest of this is simple. I would be sitting in a city council meeting, and someone in the audience would be trying to present an issue. They might accuse me personally of taking bribes, or trying to murder their children with an intersection design, and I would take it all personally. I would get upset, and respond in kind. It took me a while to recognize that they are not really after me. They have a concern, and they are trying to express it as clearly as they can – which often comes across as a threat of some sort. Besides, I had the power. Unless they tried to jump over the table and attack me, I had the vote. I had to grow up. I had to realize that I am a person of value and insight – I do not need to feel threatened by their concerns. I can choose how to respond. It literally took me about 10 years to get over this thing once it was brought to my attention. You can do it – or you may be one of those priceless individuals who come by this naturally.

2.      Wish them well.When you talk with someone, or they present you with an issue or a problem, just silently wish them well. Recognize that they have a life and concerns, they have loved ones, problems, issues. Wish them well with all of that. You don’t need to say it – just think it. It will change how you approach them, it will change how you look, it changes everything. And the amazing thing is, they will recognize it, and respond in kind. There is excellent research on this, and it works! Trust me on this. And this step is key – if you try to do the next step without this one, it will come off as a phony manipulative technique. Been there, done that.

3.      Seek First To Understand. That is 7 Habits and Steven Covey. Put aside your arguments and responses, and try to understand exactly what the other person is trying to tell you. Hear their emotion, their concern. Wish them well, and try to express to them exactly what you are hearing. Try to state their problem better than they did, with the same emotion and concern. If you are successful, you will immediately lower the tension and emotion of the exchange. They will not feel threatened. They will recognize that you certainly understand them, even if you may not agree with them. If they are understood, they can lower their level of concern and emotional content. This was so difficult for me in the beginning that I used to take written notes on what I was GOING to say when they were done, instead of really listening.Once you give that response, and they agree, now you can express your opinion – but couch it in their framework, in their terms, so they can really hear it. Do not make it an attack. Make it an informational exchange by pointing to facts or other examples. Again, there is great research on all of this. See the references at the end.

My Story

At the start of this piece, I mentioned my own gift of insight in this. A long time ago, I received a significant promotion at work. The very next Monday, I attended the senior management meeting of my division for the first time, as the youngest and newest member. I wisely sat on one end of this long table, and the boss sat up there at the head. The more senior members also sat closer to him. It’s kind of amazing how that stuff works.

At some point in this meeting – my very first in this group, remember – the boss brought up a controversial subject, and asked for our input. He wisely started the discussion with a person on the other side of the table from me, so that I would likely get to comment last. He was letting me see how this all worked. I honestly do not remember what the topic was. But, after 3 people commented, one of the senior members of his staff, the one sitting next to him, made some comment which I disagreed with. Let’s say his name was Al. I immediately interjected and stated clearly what I thought was wrong with what he said. At that point, the boss changed the topic of conversation, and stopped the round table discussion. I thought that was a bit strange, but, hey, I’m a new kid, what do I know.

A few days later, during I had my regular one on one with the boss. At the end of the meeting, he said, “Oh yeah, I want you to go and apologize to Al.” And I said, “Why should I apologize to Al?” And he said, “You really insulted him in our staff meeting when you said so and so.” I said, “What?! No I didn’t. That’s crazy.” After a few more words like that, my boss stood up, leaned into me, shook his finger at me and said, “Go apologize to Al!” I said, “Yes sir.”

I left his office, and immediately walked up a flight of stairs to Al’s office. I stuck my head in his door, and asked if he had a minute. I went in, and I apologized for whatever it was that had offended him at the staff meeting. He was so gracious and accepting, I realized that I really had offended him. I was astounded. I had offended a senior staff person in a meeting, and I did not even realize it. What was going on?

When I went home that night, I recounted this story to my wife at the dinner table, and she just rolled her eyes at me. And I said, “What?!” She said, “You do it all the time”. But what, what do I do? She didn’t use these exact words, but she let me know that I frequently come across as an arrogant SOB, who knows everything while the people around me know nothing.

Man. That set me back. The next day in my own staff meeting, I shared this whole experience with my managers, including my wife’s comments. I asked for their help in recognizing the problem and solving it. They were so gracious and kind about it, that I realized that they knew it too. In fact, everyone I dealt with knew it. Everyone but ME!

So, I set about working on the problem. I discovered that I had a very deep seated inferiority complex. I grew up in a dysfunctional household, with an alcoholic father, and a lot of physical and emotional abuse, both for myself, and for my brother and my mom. I survived, primarily because of the support and love of my mom, but it left me with a tremendous sense of inferiority. I had difficulty just going to the grocery store and asking for something. I had difficulty just walking down the street without feeling like an idiot. I overcame this all by being really, really smart! At least I thought I did. My genetics gave me a pretty good level of intelligence, and I used it mercilessly to compete with everyone. I would mentally measure up anyone that I met, and I would find them to be less smart. It made me feel good, it let me function somewhat capably. I began to realize that I was walking around weighing every single person, and finding them wanting. I did it walking down the street to strangers. What a crazy way to look at the world. And, that internal measuring leaked out of me as arrogance.

So, the first step was to overcome this inferiority thing. That probably took me 10 years. I was exposed to the Covey 7 Habits course, and I eventually understood that I am in charge of me. I am not the result of my upbringing, of your opinion of me, of my genetics. I am in charge of me. And I can choose how to respond to you. I do not need to be threatened, I do not need to be self conscious. I am what I am, and I am just fine – trust me on this. Unless you are physically waving a weapon in my face, I can choose not to be threatened, even if you are screaming and yelling at me. One of the things that helps is to look at things from YOUR perspective, and wish you well. If you are threatened, if you are insecure, you are more likely to be waving your arms and yelling than not. I can wish you well, and try to help. I am already on the second step above.

References:

• Covey, Stephen R, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
  
        See especially Habit 1, Being Proactive – you are in charge of yourself and your responses. And Habit 5, Seek First to Understand.
• Fisher, Roger, and Ury, William L, Getting to Yes.This is the amazing product of the Harvard Negotiation Project, on how to negotiate any problem.
• Thompson, Leigh L, The Mind and Heart of the Negotiator.This is a textbook full of hard research information on negotiating tactics – things that really do work. And it is fundamentally based on “Getting to Yes”. It’s pricey, so buy an older edition.
• Sood, Amit, MD, The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress Free Living.This author introduced me to the idea that how I think about people affects how I act toward them, and also how they respond to me. Wish them well!