Moving Money to Other Countries - HOW TO

Moving Money to Foreign Lands

If you have been following along here at all, I have been spending a fair amount of time thinking out loud about developing nations. What are the causes of this gap between developed and those still underway. Eventually, this gets into actually doing things for folks in other parts of the world, in the earnest hope that we can actually help them move forward. This piece is a bit of a departure, because it is eminently practical. It will provide you with a simple option for easily moving funds abroad at NO COST.

WHY?

I keep hoping all of this will make a difference someday. It is all founded on the basic belief that “we are all in this together”. I firmly believe that humans are fundamentally social. When one part of our human family is stressed, we all suffer a loss. When one part of our human family succeeds well, we all benefit. This is a BELIEF, my article of FAITH if you will. There are some studies that seem to confirm it, but it is not really a rational position. I choose this option - simple as that. 

And a story helps. I was visiting an old friend in Tanzania. We were out on the edge of the Serengeti. A young Maasai boy came up and they talked a bit. My friend went inside, retrieved some money, and gave it to the young man. I asked him what that was about. He replied: “That boy scored the second highest aptitude score in all of Tanzania. School is free, but he needs money for books and uniform. I am going to help him go to school.” But for a few dollars, that country and the rest of us would never know what that young man might accomplish. And I am persuaded, there are a few million similar young people out there. We need to invest in our young people, not burden them with poverty and loans that keep them from achieving the best they can be, and help the rest of us prosper.

Practical Alternatives

That said – how does one move money to other countries? You may be involved in a Sister Parish relationship, or sending “missions” to foreign lands, or just trying to fund a small one time effort. At some point, you will find that you may need to move some funds there. These are some of the options.

• 1.      Carry Cash. This is actually what our local Sister Parish did for quite some time. There is a $10,000 limit on this stuff. Not that it is illegal above that line, but you need to report it. The government is concerned about illegal activity. The other problem is bulk and safety. The largest US currency is the $100 bill. Those may be difficult to exchange because they are the ones most likely to be counterfeit. Twenties are better, but even $1,000 worth of twenty dollar bills is a little scary.
• 2.      Send a check. Well, the mail in many parts of the world is not very secure, and not trustworthy. That’s generally not a wonderful option. And then a check deposited there may take weeks to clear.
• 3.      Share a Bank Account. In this scenario, you open a US bank account, and send some blank checks on that account via a courier or personal representative. The foreign party writes a check on the US account and deposits it locally. This requires a bank account in the destination country, but that is generally a requirement for most operations. It also requires quite a bit of time. Funds deposited in a US account are generally available in one or two days. A foreign check deposited in another nation may take quite a bit longer. And there may be fees just for having a checking account.
• 4.      Wire Funds Electronically. This is very fast and secure, but there are sizeable fees. The sending bank will generally charge $50 for sending the funds. And the receiving bank generally charges $15 or more. You may get a special deal in some banks, reducing those fees somewhat. But, in general, it will cost at least $60 to move ANY amount of money internationally.
• 5.      PayPal. Paypal works in a lot of the world, but it also has a fee of at least 2.7%. Other similar funds transfer agents charge even more. And there are generally daily maximums of $2,000 or less. Many of these organizations simply do not support some of the poorest countries, like Nicaragua, our case in point.
• 6.      Debit Card. A debit card on a US bank can be used in most parts of the world. The drawback is that there is generally a sizeable fee for ATM withdrawals, or even for using it for purchases, or bank withdrawals. They may also charge a foreign fund conversion fee, similar to most credit cards.
• 7.      Schwab Checking Account. This option works well, and it has NO FEE. Open a Schwab One account, with checking. Go through whatever it takes to get a foreign agent authorized. This is a fair amount of work, and Schwab is quite stringent on this, because of the government’s concern with illegal operations, etc. Rest assured that the transactions can be traced, etc. That should not be a problem for the types of social minded things we are about.

Send some blank checks to your agent in the foreign country. Those will still take a long time to clear if they are deposited, but the account and checks on this end are free.

Get a debit card issued – this will require another song and dance, but it is worth it. Have the foreign agent made the custodian of the debit card. They can withdraw fairly large sums from a local bank with it if they are a regular customer. They can also do ATM withdrawals, up to $1,000 / day. Generally, there is no fee for this type of operation. If the ATM does have a fee, collect the fee information and submit it to Schwab. They will reimburse the account. We have not actually done this, as our agent has found an ATM with no fee.

The one hassle is that checks are deposited by mail. Schwab provides the checks and deposit slips and postage paid mailing envelopes. At some point, I am sure they will adopt the “take a picture” deposit already used by many banks. So the mailing step takes a few days.

When the funds arrive at Schwab, they dispatch an email indicating the date and amount received. The funds can be used one day later. They also have a very resourceful help number, in case there is any problem.

For another option, you can set up a two way electronic transfer between any US bank account and the Schwab account. There is no fee for this, but it generally requires at least one day for funds to arrive.

Conclusion

Find your local Schwab office, and pay them a visit. If they give you hassle about it, contact me and I will have our local Schwab agent help them understand how this can work. To locate my contact information, look at my website:  https://sites.google.com/site/carlscheider/  Or find me on FaceBook. There are only a few of us with that name! Or, worst case send me an email:  carlscheider(at)hotmail.com.

You can also drop a comment here on this blog to let me and others know how this worked out.

Enough with the Rational Arguments Already!

Enough with the Rational Arguments Already!

My lovely wife and I often sit at the kitchen table discussing the morning news. I don’t think it is any great surprise to anyone that knows us, but we tend to the “liberal” or “progressive” side of things when it comes to social issues. She often gets quite upset with all of the popularity of some of the candidates for President that espouse more “conservative” views. She seems particularly frightened of the fact that one Donald Trump is admired, followed, or supported by a huge number of people. She regularly says to me, “What is wrong with people?”, “Don’t they read anything?”, and words to that effect.

I try to tell her, you are being way too rational about this stuff. People simply do not pay that much attention to things. They tend to make judgments with their “fast” brain – the pattern recognition, gut reaction part of their thinking engine. Excellent research by highly trained scientists has figured out that. See my little piece on Daniel Kahnneman’s book, Thinking, Fast and Slow.  

A group of psychologists from Yale have been studying the political dimensions of this stuff for some time. See  http://www.culturalcognition.net/

One of their findings is that most people are more motivated by their “culture” than any rational idea or argument. Another is that most people are not very sophisticated about political discussions. They are not privy to the complexities and the problems. They make simple judgments about complex things – it is the best we can do.

Conservatives appeal to values all the time – it’s the only thing they do. Progressives really do not have a communications program that speaks to anyone. They keep offering facts and studies, which tend to do nothing but confirm the other side in their belief based value system. Most of us are simply not going to be persuaded by this approach. It is a complete waste of time. They are working with a “false theory of human reason”. Humans do not work that way.

I just read an excellent little piece on this, and I would like to encourage you to read it. This is an interview with the author of Don’t Think of an Elephant.

http://www.truth-out.org/progressivepicks/item/27576-george-lakoff-progressives-cannot-succeed-without-expressing-respect-values

Here are a few quotes to further tempt you.  

What progressives call "rational arguments" are not normal modes of real reason. What counts as a "rational argument" is not the same for progressives and conservatives. And even the meaning of concepts and words may be different.

Progressives constantly ask how to "respond" to illegitimate claims by conservatives, whether about fear or anything else. That is because conservatives have an effective communication system and progressives do not, and conservative marketers better understand real reason. To deal with illegitimate fears, you don’t wait till you have to respond. You need (1) to build an effective communication system, (2) to communicate the general progressive value system, (3) repeat the truths that reveal what is right about those values, (4) act with courage to promote the sense of courage, confidence and hope that allows the truth to be meaningful and powerful. Within such a context, one can honestly and openly discuss the facts that undermine such fears, so that the illegitimate fears don’t get established in the first place. 

The Democratic party right now seems outwardly to stand for nothing in general, just a laundry list of positions. But most Democrats understand that "the private depends on the public," namely, that public resources for all allow for private freedoms, whether in private enterprise or private life. Republicans talk about freedom all the time, but the Democrats are the real party of freedom and need to say it. The truth of progressive freedoms is part of what we take for granted, so much part of the fabric of our lives that we don't pay attention to it. Naming it makes you pay attention to it. 

Obama is also a rationalist; that is, he has the false theory of human reason that many progressive policymakers have and that he mastered in law school and teaching law. According to classic rationalism, if you just tell people the facts, then by universal logic, people will reason to the right conclusion. For example, the president thought that if the public liked each of the major provisions of his health care bill, they would support the whole bill. They still like each provision. Conservatives never attacked the major provisions. Instead they attacked it on two moral grounds: Freedom (government takeover) and Life (death panels). These are not the same issues so far as our brains are concerned, and morality is more of a determinant of personal identity than the details of insurance. The conservative manipulation of real reason won out over the repetition of insurance provisions. Yes, the provisions work. And so does the conservative moral framing.

And here is the best advice of all:  

In personal interactions, as over the Thanksgiving table with conservative relatives or in your social or business life with colleagues and coworkers, the first thing to realize is that, for the most part, conservatives believe deeply that they are morally right, that they and other conservatives are operating from the right moral principles. They don’t believe that they are immoral, and they don't believe that right and wrong don't matter. As moral beings, they want to be treated with respect. And in personal relationships, respect is appropriate.

The question is whether they are bi-conceptual, whether they have partly progressive values. So turn the conversation to an issue defined by nurturance: What have you done, or are you doing, that helps other people or helps your community? What makes you feel good about it? And so on. If there is nurturance there, bring it out and magnify it, and respect it. Try to keep conversation focused on such issues. Don't try to argue against their conservative positions, and certainly not in their language. Listen. Be patient. 

If you must discuss political differences, just be positive, starting with your values and with how you understand freedom and how it arises from citizens working together to provide public resources for everyone. Use your language, not theirs. Stay respectful.

Zealot by Reza Aslan - a book review

Zealot by Reza Aslan – a book review.

I have been suggesting a book to people about the Jewish Jesus for several years now – Jesus Before Christianity. It was written by a Dominican monk, Albert Nolan. It is based on good exegesis of the New Testament, explaining how the people of Jesus’ own time would have understood his teachings. I recently recommended it to a friend, and he replied that he would read it – and I should read Zealot.

I found the book immensely enlightening. The author is nominally a Muslim, more a historian than a scripture scholar. But the result is very good. I highly recommend both books to gain a real understanding of the message that Jesus brought to his contemporaries. But I would read Zealot first, and then Jesus Before Christianity. And here’s why.

Zealot adds a whole world of information, giving a much broader historical perspective to the discussion. He presents actual history from that whole period that is very enlightening for setting the stage for what happens to Jesus. Nolan gives a little background on some of the movements and sects of the time, but Aslan provides a much better insight into the world in which this Jesus of Nazareth lived. He corroborates, criticizes and expands events. I am no historian, but he seems to have an excellent mastery of what we know of the time. He also makes the assumption that anything which is repeated in all of the Gospels is probably based on some factual event. I am not real sure about that, but it doesn’t seem to harm the picture. He criticizes and expands the Gospel stories with actual historical events. He carries the historical perspective into the early church, right up to Nicene and a bit beyond. The theological ideas of trinity and incarnation and the like, are later creations of the Greek Church. It helps explain our Christian history, but it is way past any message of the original Jesus.

Nolan is clearly a believer, but he also presents a very different Jesus than the “Christ”. His Jesus of Nazareth is a reformer, calling for a new world order. Aslan, on the other hand, is not a believer, but he says he is a “follower” of Jesus of Nazareth. Nolan is much better at explaining the way the disciples must have heard the message of this prophet. He brings it home in a way that Aslan does not. I was hoping for more toward the end of Zealot, but I was disappointed. To get that more, read Nolan. You can find my review of that book here: Jesus Before Christianity Notes.

I will just tantalize you here with a few examples of things I noted in Zealot.

1.       Brutality of the times. There are so many examples of utter brutality from those days, that it gives you the impression that the Middle East was a nightmare of continuous conflict. Oh, wait – that is the case today. Well – it has not changed much. From the original invasion of Palestine by the Jews who were ordered to slay every living thing, to the utter destruction of Jerusalem by the Romans, the brutality is incredible. I can understand when people live in a world such as that, their view of what passes for civilization will be very different.

2.       The Kingdom of God. The brutality, the presence of Rome, the poverty, wealth disparity and problems that existed give a better understanding as to why there were so many prophets walking the land in those days, promising the coming of the kingdom of God. Jesus was one of many. His message was very similar, but for some reason, those who heard it were moved beyond the norm. Paul, in particular, had some personal experience that drove the early Church.

3.       Nazareth. Azlan gives a detailed description of this town that gives a much better insight into the origins of the teachings of this prophet, Jesus.

4.       Focus on the Poor. The situation of the times, the imbalance in wealth and poverty, the terrible condition of the peasants – all make it clear why Jesus was so focused on the poor. Azlan describes the situation in telling detail. With all of our current income inequality, we might pay attention to this message a bit more. We are clearly not at the brink of a social revolution – at least not yet. If Piketty is right, it may be coming yet.

Read both books. I found them both inspirational in this business of being human and a “follower” of Jesus of Nazareth. But do read Zealot first, then Jesus Before Christianity.

The biggest thing I have taken away from all of this is that Faith is not a magical gift, or a firmly held conviction. It is a decision in favor of the kingdom of God. Read the books to see what that means.

“To believe in God is to believe that goodness is more powerful than evil and truth is stronger than falsehood.” (Nolan, p. 102) I so choose. And you?

Book Review - The Second Intelligent Species: How Humans Will Become as Irrelevant as Cockroaches

Book Review - The Second Intelligent Species by Marshall Brain.

The last blog post was on Utopia. Fittingly, I just stumbled onto this book about an "ideal" future with super intelligences running things. I use a variety of tools to try to stay abreast of interesting ideas. These gadgets, like Zite, keep track of what I read and what I like. One of my likes is "The Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies". http://ieet.org/ I have a bit of a background in ethics, business ethics, and in IT technology - so it's a good fit. The authors in this group are also pretty "progressive". Not "liberal" as such, but certainly not "conservative" in any usual sense.

By the way, you can get a Kindle copy of this book for $0.99. Or read it free online. Worth every penny!*#

It is a good book, and the ideas are important. But it is a tad simplistic - no academic references here to studies that support his ideas - just the ideas. But they are interesting ideas, and that simplicity makes them more available. It makes you think about what will happen when we really do succeed in getting robots or artificial intelligences, to do ALL of our work. What do we do to earn our keep in that world? What will we do with our time - what opportunities will this give us, and what risks? And this brand of "crap" is likely to start hitting the fan in the next few decades.

The book starts off with a "short history of evolution" - from hydrogen to humans. A fascinating way to do it. Hydrogen really was everything that was. He projects what might happen if another intelligent species eventually arrives here, and takes a reading on what we are about. The resulting picture is a pretty sorry state of affairs. We have billions of people that are barely surviving, we spend trillions on armaments that could literally destroy the planet. Outside of Mozart and Beethoven and the like - why would any intelligent species want to have anything to do with us?

In subsequent chapters, he leads up to the book's 2nd title: "How Humans Will Become as Irrelevant as Cockroaches". Think about it. We are working our way toward making an intelligent machine. If we make it complex enough, it should become aware, just as we are aware. With a couple of generations of that progress, what will the ultimate 'next intelligent species' think of us? What do we think of chimpanzees, about one generation lower? What about cockroaches, two or three generations lower? We sure don't try to communicate with them. We would never expect them to understand what we are about. I have worked through this myself, and I came out at a totally different spot than where he ended up. See what you think. I think they will just ignore us and be about more interesting things. I hope his version is right!

Chapter 7 is particularly well done. And you can read it here.
http://marshallbrain.com/second-intelligent-species7.htm

He does a little thought experiment on the "ideal" society. WHAT IF, we could make up a society as we would like, considering all of this automation, minimum wage, etc. What would the ideal society be like? He makes some assumptions to keep this society simple, but he works through some of the alternatives. In the end, you come to a better understanding on just how our current society seems to be so poorly managed. We let it develop around us, instead of managing it. He has some better ideas - and he presents them well. He talks about the scenario where the 1% at the top manage to control things. There are alternatives there as well.The beauty of this is that when you simplify things a bit, the stark craziness of what we have stands out.

He has a wonderful thought scenario on what happens when millions of Teamsters are out of work because of self driving trucks. There is no question that this is going to happen - and within the next decade. What do those fine people do to earn a living? This is not a bunch of intellectuals occupying Wall Street. This may be the event that trips our trigger for some form of subsidized income.

He does some thought experiments on what a super intelligent entity would actually do. He indicates that Asimov's three laws for Robots may not be of much use. Along the way he develops a robotic morality. Why would artificial intelligences from other worlds be any different from the ones developed here? And a solution to the Fermi Paradox - again!

He has sparked a flood of new ideas. He is also immensely optimistic - certainly about robots, but also about humans. I hope half of what he says works out.

He does have a few short sighted problems. He does not talk about how an economic system works with a guaranteed basic income. I know it is doable, but he needs to explain that a bit more to the normal reader. What kind of taxes would enable this kind of thing? He also glosses over the real problems in getting highly emotional and non rational humans to agree on anything, even in the face of imminent danger. But  . . . it presents a fine Utopian vision that provokes thought.

Let me know what you think.

Carl's Steps to Utopia

Utopian Futures

I’ve been fascinated with “utopian” literature most of my life. I think the first thing I ever read that tilted that way was Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. He also wrote something called Island, that moved the idea even further along. Books that try to predict the future are a tad different. That would be things like Kurzweil’s Singularity. He is projecting the event when we manage to create an artificial intelligence brighter than we are. I have always been fascinated by science fiction as well - particularly when it is set in some distant future. It kinds of opens your mind to prospects and ideas you had not considered before. That is also why I particularly like the kind that has a totally different social structure in pace, besides the advanced science stuff. Authors like Neal Stephenson, The Diamond Age, Asimov, The Empire Trilogy, Banks with his whole “Culture” series, and Ken Macleod, The Star Faction. They all play around with social structures and government in creative ways.

My thought was that an author can put together a plausible picture of the way things might be, if only we could work on it. And that might persuade people to make some changes in how they view our problems. But  . . . despite all of these fine works, and numerous other “self help” books - our movement forward as a society is agonizingly slow. It takes hundreds if not thousands of years to adjust a culture, a world view mindset. There oughta be a better way. So  . . ..

What if we agree on some simple steps which address the primary problems faced by our society. If we put these things into our primary education, and set about measuring them as goals to achieve - might that work? We can, of course, have a whole debate on exactly WHAT the problems are - we will likely have a progressive and conservative slant on both of those - but perhaps not. I am continually amazed by how much we really do know, how much we really do understand about how humans work, and how little of that gets to the popular mentality. Oh, it will eventually get there - but it takes way too long to make a difference.

For what its worth - here is my list, based on a few years of education, and reading. It is only a start, and only a basis for discussion. What is your list? What would we as a society focus on to solve our REAL problems. I can cite references for all of these - but let’s not complicate things as yet.

Real Problems?

What are our real problems? It’s not poverty, and disease and hunger. Those are things that we really can address, and we even know how to fix. In my mind, the real problems are the things we carry about in our heads that keep us from working together to use the resources we have to solve problems like poverty, hunger, etc. If we could build our education curricula at all levels around our real goals, where might that take us?

Try these ideas on - see what you think. As is my custom, I give you just a short list, and then a longer one with more developed ideas later. I know most people only read the short one. That is simply how things work.

Educational steps to a brighter future for humankind - focus on our REAL problems

1. How to Think.
   We need to teach people how to think, how to collect information, how to make decisions that are complex. We are lousy at it - our evolutionary development has focused on gut decisions. We need to consciously set the balance to the rational side and away from our emotional, instant response. Daniel Kahnneman, Thinking Fast and Slow, has clearly proven this with his experiments. And it applies to all realms, but most importantly to economics and politics. Even if we just alert people to this fact, they might start actually thinking instead of just reacting! Imagine what might happen!
2. How to Work Together.
   We need to teach people how to work together. I’m not talking “teamwork” - I am talking about advanced research on negotiation and consensus building and how to do it. When people invest a little bit of time in getting to know each other, the result is an enormous increase in trust, and that creates the basic ability to work together to resolve issues - not to kill each other, not to compete. We could make a major step forward if people were just aware that resources like the Harvard Negotiation Project exists. It’s like knowing that psychology exists, or chemistry. We can do this. Trust me on this.
3. How Basic Economics Works
   We need to teach people at the basic level, what wealth is, where it comes from, and how we can create more of it. Most people have some confused idea that money equals wealth or some such. We create wealth by hard work, by ingenuity, by research, by education, by all manner of means. And creating wealth benefits ALL of us if we can figure out how to share it. BUT moving money around, competing geographically for the same things, influence, corruption, and the like, WASTES wealth. We seem to waste more than we create. We need to fix that.
4. What a Full Rich Life Looks Like
   Most of us are raised to focus on the default values of our consumer society - get a job, make money, buy things, take a trip, etc. We count our GNP, our “products”, as though it were our whole goal in life. We make and consume things. We are way past the subsistence level and our goals have not changed, the things we count as a society have not moved up the need hierarchy. We need to educate our children and ourselves that life is so much more than acquiring or using things. We can develop ourselves, we can grow full lives of achievement and creation - every one of us can. We need a national measure of “betterness” - how are we improving as a nation, as a people, as human beings. That should be the goal of our work, of our expense, of our time.
5. We Are ALL In This Together Teach people how interconnected we are - not just in economics, but in natural resources, food, entertainment, etc. Give them the facts, and the proof as a regular, on going set of information. Start each news program with the latest understanding of how much that poor African kid is costing all of us because he or she can’t afford to go to school. Tell us again and again, how much it costs us as a nation if we allow a single corrupt politician to create a single “earmark” for a local project that has a narrow benefit. Remind us how we all benefit from infrastructure investments - like education, college degrees, research, highways, etc. We should be clamoring for our government to use our taxes to make more and better investments on behalf of all of us, not to reduce our taxes and eliminate our investments in ourselves. Your thoughts on this?

Elections - One More Time

If you've been following along here - and there are not many of you - you would know that I despair of the US election system ever working properly. When the yard signs go up, I absolutely despair. If you think I am going to vote for someone because you put a piece of cardboard in your yard - you are seriously deranged. And if you think negative attack ads work on me, think again. It's way to easy to say negative things - give me some idea what you stand for.

The evidence is that most elections are decided by the LOOK of the candidate. A square jaw and confident smile can win the day most of the time. I wrote a bit more about that in this blog entry:
   http://carlscheider.blogspot.com/2012/11/i-hate-elections.html

And, even longer ago, in 1996 I made a good case for indirect elections. If we are so driven by our emotions and gut instincts, then we need to buffer our citizenry with a layer of truly representative officials. At the very least, I thought this might get rid of political parties.
  https://sites.google.com/site/carlscheider/carl-s-papers/face-to-face-democracy

It is highly unlikely that any nation will ever adopt that approach. It smacks a bit too much of the "soviet" system!  Than just today I stumbled on a wonderful article that gave me at least a glimmer of hope.
     http://www.vox.com/2015/3/2/8120063/american-democracy-doomed

It's a little long, but it's a very nice piece contrasting the US form of democracy with that adopted by most other democracies - the parliamentary form. It had not occurred to me that the other approach might actually work better, given the culture propensities of our nation. The author has a good grasp of history, and he at least holds the hope that we might be able to transition to another form. It's well researched, and it makes some sense to me.

After Citizens United, and all of the money thrown down the drain by our 1% to persuade our irrational voters, I may just be grasping at straws here. See what you think. and let me know.

A bit of Personal Wisdom on Negotiation and Listening

A bit of Personal Wisdom on Negotiation and Listening 2015.02.28

I used to be an arrogant SOB! Really. I had a real insight into that one day, and it taught me a serious lesson. I’ve put that story at the end of this note – read it if you want. But right now, I want to impart some wisdom about how not to be an arrogant SOB! Not that you are, mind you, but I have discovered that a lot of us have some of that going on.

It’s not that we are arrogant – it’s that we are RIGHT, damn it. And we know it. And the other person knows we think we are, and they think they are right, and they get ticked off that we think that, and it rapidly escalates.

It has taken me years to learn a more mature way to discuss issues and problems with people. This came through 10 years of teaching 7 Habits, and 15 years of teaching a University level course on negotiation. I also picked up a bit of wisdom from a Mayo seminar on stress reduction. So, listen up, this might help you deal with those problem people you keep encountering.

There are three parts to this procedure.

1.      Become someone who is not easily threatened by others. This was my basic problem, and it took me a long time to get around it. It’s called growing up, maturing, self confidence, recognizing that life is not a competition, and that we are all in this together. If you get this part right, the rest of this is simple. I would be sitting in a city council meeting, and someone in the audience would be trying to present an issue. They might accuse me personally of taking bribes, or trying to murder their children with an intersection design, and I would take it all personally. I would get upset, and respond in kind. It took me a while to recognize that they are not really after me. They have a concern, and they are trying to express it as clearly as they can – which often comes across as a threat of some sort. Besides, I had the power. Unless they tried to jump over the table and attack me, I had the vote. I had to grow up. I had to realize that I am a person of value and insight – I do not need to feel threatened by their concerns. I can choose how to respond. It literally took me about 10 years to get over this thing once it was brought to my attention. You can do it – or you may be one of those priceless individuals who come by this naturally.

2.      Wish them well.When you talk with someone, or they present you with an issue or a problem, just silently wish them well. Recognize that they have a life and concerns, they have loved ones, problems, issues. Wish them well with all of that. You don’t need to say it – just think it. It will change how you approach them, it will change how you look, it changes everything. And the amazing thing is, they will recognize it, and respond in kind. There is excellent research on this, and it works! Trust me on this. And this step is key – if you try to do the next step without this one, it will come off as a phony manipulative technique. Been there, done that.

3.      Seek First To Understand. That is 7 Habits and Steven Covey. Put aside your arguments and responses, and try to understand exactly what the other person is trying to tell you. Hear their emotion, their concern. Wish them well, and try to express to them exactly what you are hearing. Try to state their problem better than they did, with the same emotion and concern. If you are successful, you will immediately lower the tension and emotion of the exchange. They will not feel threatened. They will recognize that you certainly understand them, even if you may not agree with them. If they are understood, they can lower their level of concern and emotional content. This was so difficult for me in the beginning that I used to take written notes on what I was GOING to say when they were done, instead of really listening.Once you give that response, and they agree, now you can express your opinion – but couch it in their framework, in their terms, so they can really hear it. Do not make it an attack. Make it an informational exchange by pointing to facts or other examples. Again, there is great research on all of this. See the references at the end.

My Story

At the start of this piece, I mentioned my own gift of insight in this. A long time ago, I received a significant promotion at work. The very next Monday, I attended the senior management meeting of my division for the first time, as the youngest and newest member. I wisely sat on one end of this long table, and the boss sat up there at the head. The more senior members also sat closer to him. It’s kind of amazing how that stuff works.

At some point in this meeting – my very first in this group, remember – the boss brought up a controversial subject, and asked for our input. He wisely started the discussion with a person on the other side of the table from me, so that I would likely get to comment last. He was letting me see how this all worked. I honestly do not remember what the topic was. But, after 3 people commented, one of the senior members of his staff, the one sitting next to him, made some comment which I disagreed with. Let’s say his name was Al. I immediately interjected and stated clearly what I thought was wrong with what he said. At that point, the boss changed the topic of conversation, and stopped the round table discussion. I thought that was a bit strange, but, hey, I’m a new kid, what do I know.

A few days later, during I had my regular one on one with the boss. At the end of the meeting, he said, “Oh yeah, I want you to go and apologize to Al.” And I said, “Why should I apologize to Al?” And he said, “You really insulted him in our staff meeting when you said so and so.” I said, “What?! No I didn’t. That’s crazy.” After a few more words like that, my boss stood up, leaned into me, shook his finger at me and said, “Go apologize to Al!” I said, “Yes sir.”

I left his office, and immediately walked up a flight of stairs to Al’s office. I stuck my head in his door, and asked if he had a minute. I went in, and I apologized for whatever it was that had offended him at the staff meeting. He was so gracious and accepting, I realized that I really had offended him. I was astounded. I had offended a senior staff person in a meeting, and I did not even realize it. What was going on?

When I went home that night, I recounted this story to my wife at the dinner table, and she just rolled her eyes at me. And I said, “What?!” She said, “You do it all the time”. But what, what do I do? She didn’t use these exact words, but she let me know that I frequently come across as an arrogant SOB, who knows everything while the people around me know nothing.

Man. That set me back. The next day in my own staff meeting, I shared this whole experience with my managers, including my wife’s comments. I asked for their help in recognizing the problem and solving it. They were so gracious and kind about it, that I realized that they knew it too. In fact, everyone I dealt with knew it. Everyone but ME!

So, I set about working on the problem. I discovered that I had a very deep seated inferiority complex. I grew up in a dysfunctional household, with an alcoholic father, and a lot of physical and emotional abuse, both for myself, and for my brother and my mom. I survived, primarily because of the support and love of my mom, but it left me with a tremendous sense of inferiority. I had difficulty just going to the grocery store and asking for something. I had difficulty just walking down the street without feeling like an idiot. I overcame this all by being really, really smart! At least I thought I did. My genetics gave me a pretty good level of intelligence, and I used it mercilessly to compete with everyone. I would mentally measure up anyone that I met, and I would find them to be less smart. It made me feel good, it let me function somewhat capably. I began to realize that I was walking around weighing every single person, and finding them wanting. I did it walking down the street to strangers. What a crazy way to look at the world. And, that internal measuring leaked out of me as arrogance.

So, the first step was to overcome this inferiority thing. That probably took me 10 years. I was exposed to the Covey 7 Habits course, and I eventually understood that I am in charge of me. I am not the result of my upbringing, of your opinion of me, of my genetics. I am in charge of me. And I can choose how to respond to you. I do not need to be threatened, I do not need to be self conscious. I am what I am, and I am just fine – trust me on this. Unless you are physically waving a weapon in my face, I can choose not to be threatened, even if you are screaming and yelling at me. One of the things that helps is to look at things from YOUR perspective, and wish you well. If you are threatened, if you are insecure, you are more likely to be waving your arms and yelling than not. I can wish you well, and try to help. I am already on the second step above.

References:

• Covey, Stephen R, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
  
        See especially Habit 1, Being Proactive – you are in charge of yourself and your responses. And Habit 5, Seek First to Understand.
• Fisher, Roger, and Ury, William L, Getting to Yes.This is the amazing product of the Harvard Negotiation Project, on how to negotiate any problem.
• Thompson, Leigh L, The Mind and Heart of the Negotiator.This is a textbook full of hard research information on negotiating tactics – things that really do work. And it is fundamentally based on “Getting to Yes”. It’s pricey, so buy an older edition.
• Sood, Amit, MD, The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress Free Living.This author introduced me to the idea that how I think about people affects how I act toward them, and also how they respond to me. Wish them well!