Trans-racial adoption

Trans-racial Adoption

I met Molly in Church last night.  She is a beautiful little African American girl, adopted by a white couple.  She has the curliest hair, and the cutest little smile.  And she is an independent little person already, at just 21 months.  She made me smile!   Her older brother looks to be about 8, and I would guess that he is the biological son of this couple.  I’ve been thinking of this family since I saw them in Church.  Why is that?

I wanted to give them some sign of recognition and approval.  I wanted to tell them that this is a good thing, this trans-racial adoption, and all of the world will be a bit better because you are doing it.  Two of our daughters looked a lot like Molly when they were young.  If you want to see their pictures, look here:  http://scheiders.com/scheider-foto.htm.

One of our friends told us much later, that when she first saw our family with kids of various races, she was very concerned.  She thought that we had no idea the problems we would face in the world as our kids grew up.  Well, she was wrong.  All of our children have been a major blessing in our lives.  So I wanted this young couple to somehow be affirmed.  Adoption is a wonderful adventure, and I want to thank you for being brave enough to undertake it.  Oh, there will be problems, for sure, but you will get back much more than you put in.  You will learn things about yourself and your world that you could not have learned in any other way.

And I would have liked to have alerted them to one thing.  I think we got most of his parenting right, but we got the race thing a little bit wrong.  I would correct that if I could.

As parents, we were intentionally racially blind, and I would do that differently now.  I think our children prospered in spite of this mistake, but I would recommend that other families do it differently.  Our thinking was that race is not an important part of being human, and we should do our best to ignore it.  Our goal was that if our children encounter someone who thinks race is important, that they should wonder what is wrong with that person.  I think we succeeded at that – all of our children are modestly racially insensitive.  But the ones who are racial minorities were not well equipped to deal with some parts of the world around them.  We could have prepared them a bit better for some of the people and situations which they would inevitably encounter.  I would have given all of our children a better exposure to the history of racial injustice in our country.  I would have made a better effort to have all of them understand the cultural differences that exist across racial lines – both black – white, and Asian – American.

I think we did ok, but we could have done much more.  We had friends who were black.  We had friends who were Vietnamese.  We had friends who had racially mixed families.  Our children saw that as a very normal thing.  But we never spent any time discussing race and Asian cultures with them.  We did not talk about the prejudice that exists in the world, which they would likely encounter.  As a family, we spent more time talking about sexuality than we did about race.  Sexuality is important, but their race is also important, and we pretty much tried to ignore it.

I have a couple of stories that show how well we succeeded with the racially blind approach.  My wife’s father came to live with us after his first wife passed away.  Our kids ranged from age 3 to 12.  He was a wonderful presence in our home – a warm, gracious grandpap.  Our good friends also have children of mixed races.  They have a biological daughter, an African American son, and a Vietnamese son.  Grandpap was not sure which boy was which.  So he asked the kids, which one is David, and which one is John.  All of the kids started describing these two boys to him.  David has curly hair, John has straight hair.  David is a little wider, John is thinner, etc.  They did not use the easy category that I would have fallen into immediately:  David is black, and John is Vietnamese.

On another occasion, all of the boys came home from school with the news that Carla has a new boy friend.  Now Carla is a very pretty African American young lady.  I am her father, and I am very concerned about the quality of boy that might presume to date my lovely daughter.  So I ask my kids, what’s this guy like?  They tell me things like: “His name is Calvin.  He’s from Chicago.  He plays basketball.  You would like him, Dad.”  They go on this way for a while.  I grew up in a very racially sensitive big city, and the first thing that leaps into my brain is, “Is this kid black?”  They don’t tell me that, and I have the good sense not to ask them.  But that night, in bed, I share the story with my wife, and I confess that my racially tuned brain still wants to know!  Well, Calvin was black, and he was a nice kid, and he took my daughter to prom, in our car – but that’s another whole story.

Bottom line, I would tell this couple to spend a little time talking with their children about the history of racial prejudice in our country.  Help your daughter, and your son, understand that people who grow up in different cultures have different world views.  Some are very narrow, and prejudiced – both white and black.  I would read to them, and tell them stories about our nation’s history of racial discrimination and the struggles to overcome it.  You love them, and they will be fine – but it will help them if they have a little more empathy for those strange people who focus on their race – black or white.